Is It Time to Divorce Your Parents?

Sometimes it's easy to see why an adult child would cut ties with a parent. Kids who grow up with parents who are frightening, abusive, neglectful, shaming, exploitative or undermining may need to separate fully to begin their own healing process. Before a physical wound can heal, you have to remove the object that is piercing the flesh. This is often also true for emotional wounds.

But what about when the abuse is subtle? Brenda's mother never hit her, never locked her in a room, kept her fed and clothed, paid for most of her education. And yet, every time she saw them or spoke to mom on the phone, her self-esteem would take a dive. She would have racing thoughts, mental fog, tears, thoughts of suicide - all symptoms of post traumatic stress.

Brenda's mother would come over, unannounced with a cake, a seemingly friendly gesture. But as she put the cake in the kitchen, she would scold Brenda, "This is not for you. We all know how easily you put on weight. This is for Max (Brenda's husband) and the kids." Then, when the kids were present, Brenda's mom would add, "You kids tell me if your mother eats any of this cake. You don't want a fat momma, do you?"

Brenda tried asserting herself, as she practiced in therapy. "Mom," she said, "when you comment on my weight, it hurts my feelings. What I eat is my decision, not yours. I don't want my children put in the middle, feeling like being loyal to one of us means being disloyal to the other. If you want to leave the cake, then do so without conditions. Otherwise take it home with you."

Brenda's mother became indignant. "You may be their mother, but I'm yours, and I am only trying to help you out. You were a very fat child, and it's my job to make sure you stay healthy and attractive. I don't want you to lose your husband. And your children need to have something good from their grandmother. I am not asking them to take sides. We all want to support you in keeping your weight down."

Brenda's mother could not hear her daughter's request or her pain. She had been criticizing Brenda for over forty years, and justifying that criticism by claiming it was out of love, or for Brenda's own good. Never mind that Brenda had never actually been fat. In fact, Brenda had an eating disorder in High School, and nearly had to be force fed, a fact her mother did not remember.

The criticism was not just about Brenda's weight. It extended to her parenting, her marriage, her job. Whenever her mother asked, "How are things?" It was as if she was fishing for something new to judge in Brenda. When they talked about cousins or neighbors, Brenda's mother was sure to talk about someone else's accomplishments glowingly, adding, "why can't you be more like... " reminding Brenda that she could never measure up.

One day in therapy, Brenda said more to herself than to me, my mother never really loved me. She loves having me to put down. Memories came pouring out. The time she was yelled out for crossing the street alone at age five (but who left me outside alone?). The time she broke her arm, and her mother kept ignoring her when she said it hurt. A neighbor finally noticed, and once that happened, her mother put on an act of concern and took her for an x-ray. She spent six weeks in a cast.

"It was constant," Brenda told me. "It still is. And it hurts. It hurts today, and it hurts like a comet tail of memories. But she [mom] doesn't see it. She thinks I'm too sensitive, or I'm remembering wrong. And then I begin to question my own memories. Did that really happen? I feel crazy."

Over time, Brenda saw less and less of her mother. The less time they spent together, the better Brenda felt. Her self esteem began to rise. She got a promotion she wasn't even trying for at work. Her kids even seemed happier. They went to her mom's for Thanksgiving that year, and Brenda got an earful in front of all the guests. Mom had been saving all her anger over Brenda's new boundaries, and she let it fly. "My daughter is too good for me now," she started, "with her new promotion and her fancy car" (Brenda had bought herself a slightly used Honda Element to take the kids to their games and practices).

Maybe because Brenda had already been setting better boundaries, she felt empowered. She took her mother into the kitchen and calmly said, "If you would like us to stay for dinner, you will find a different topic of conversation. You will refrain from complaining about me or comparing me to others. If you can't abide by my wishes we will leave."

Brenda's mother walked back into the dining room and began her tirade anew. "You won't believe how my daughter just spoke to me!" she began. Brenda didn't hear the rest. Her husband had already gathered their coats, and she and her family left. She blocked her mother from her phone and email. She let the rest of the family know that she didn't expect them to take sides. She just didn't want to hear or talk about her relationship with her mother. She was done. She lost contact with an aunt and two cousins, but everyone else understood.

Within a few months of cutting ties with her mother, Brenda's sessions changed dramatically. Instead of working on developing more assertiveness and stronger boundaries, we were celebrating her successes - both emotional and practical. She successfully stood up to a teacher who was shaming one of her kids. The teacher apologized and admitted that she was in over her head. Brenda continued doing well at work. Her relationship with her husband improved too. She hadn't realized how much time and energy she had been sacrificing, trying to live up to her mother's impossible standards. Her kids reported that she seemed happier and more fun to be around.

When we ended therapy, Brenda said, "I think there will always be a part of me that is sad. But it's not that I lost my mother. It's that I never had her to begin with. At least now I don't walk on eggshells. I sleep well every night. She's not the topic of every conversation."

Sometimes parents are toxic. I always try to coach my clients toward setting clear and kind boundaries with people who are difficult - family or not. But when someone refuses to listen and respect your needs, you have every right (maybe even a responsibility) to protect yourself from the negativity, even if that means saying goodbye.

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Are You Hiding From Love?

Last year, when I was writing my book, a miracle happened. My friend - a man who had always meant a lot to me and who I fully trusted - told me that he had left his relationship. I had never dared to hope that this might happen. We knew each other for 13 years. He knew my secrets and what happened in my relationships. He knew that I valued honesty more than anything - and I counted on his honesty.

After his separation, he started to contact me frequently. He told me many nice things like that he always felt an emotional bond between us. His words sounded real and genuine to me. One day, I decided that I had to take the risk and dare to love again. I asked him whether he wanted to visit me. And he did. I spend the most wonderful week in my life with a man. It was fluent, just like a miracle.

Then, he flew home, and I was in heaven. Two weeks after his visit, he told me that he had visited me because he knew that he'd receive my love. I didn't understand what he meant. Then, he started to give me many mixed messages and disappeared. He never called to tell me his truth. He just disappeared. I was shaking. It wasn't so much about losing a relationship; it was also about losing a friend I had deeply trusted in the last 13 years. Don't get me wrong, I understand why he did it. He was in pain, and he was weak at this moment, and he knew that I would give him love. Maybe this week helped him a bit through his crisis. I'll never know, and it's not important.

After his withdrawal, I started to heal my heart - from flower essences to Reiki, phone calls with my friends, and being shaken by sadness and anger. I wanted to forget this story as fast as possible. Just another love affair - a nice week... why should I care? That was the label I wanted to give it. After three months, I thought I was over it...

About a year later, I wrote a story. And I described a scene of a woman hiding from love, singing the song I am through with love. When I read it again, I suddenly knew it wasn't about this woman. It was about me. My heart was still closed. I started to look for a reason. What made me hide in my apartment?

What makes you hide from love?

Some days later, I wrote about my book, and I said that my book was about my greatest defeat. The word hit my soul. Greatest defeat?! I rarely ever use this word. How was this possible? Why had I chosen this word? I have achieved great things in my life, and I have overcome many adversities. Why did I feel defeated? What was I really writing about? And suddenly, I remembered the final chapter - the story about my friend's withdrawal. Tears ran down my face.

What pain do you need to acknowledge?

That day, I acknowledged my pain. I had wanted to ignore it. I had wanted to make it small. I had wanted to avoid it. And it was still there - I felt betrayed. Betrayed because he never told me what he was really after. Betrayed because he hadn't been honest with me (at least, that's how I read it). Betrayed because he never cared to give me a final call to say good-bye. If I'd hold on to this feeling, I'd hide forever. I didn't want that to happen. He was just one experience, and there are many great men out there. I stopped working. I went to the harbor, sat down with my pain and cried. I felt relieved. Some days later, I felt how my heart started to open again. I'll dare to love again. The right man will come when the time is right.

What is the pain are you ready to release?

If you have been deeply hurt in love, acknowledge your pain and let go of it when the time is right. Allow your heart to heal. I can't tell you how long it will takes, but it is possible. To love means to take risks. To love means to let go of control. To love means to be vulnerable. In the beginning, you'll never know how the story ends. However, if you never try you won't find it out. Love is outside your comfort zone. And with all this risk, dare to love again. There is a man out there, who wants the same as you, who will give you the love you deserve. It will happen when the time right.

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How To Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back - 3 Important Steps

A breakup with your girlfriend is extremely hard to accept when you never planned it that way. Different men have different ways to handle such unexpected and emotionally trying situations.

Some will go all out to somehow get their lovers back. They will try to jump through hoops, make wild promises and try to make deals with their ex-girlfriends, bargain with them, beg them to reconsider, and even begin to stalk them in efforts to win back.

Others may feel that perhaps this was preordained and unavoidable and that it would be better to seek other relationships elsewhere - at least, that's what they might do given some time. In most cases, it will take quite a while before they can overcome the heartache and decide to put themselves back on the relationship market once again.

Then, there are others who dream of riding off into the sunset with the girl who went away, but they have no clue as to how they can make that a reality. What's more important is that they do really want her back but they don't want to jump through hoops in order to achieve it.

Fortunately, you don't need to jump through hoops to win her back. You don't even need to chase her or beg her to return. You will surely be surprised to know how easy it can be to get your ex-girlfriend back.

You Must Not Call Her

This appears to be simple enough. After all, you merely need to take no action. However, what is actually needed is inaction with dedication. In reality, such inaction is not easy when your every instinct says you must chase her and go get her.

The male is designed to instinctively try to overcome all dangers to life, limb, and overall contentment. You will want to convince her of what you believe to be the right perspective. You will want to make her see how great it really was when the two of you were together. You will naturally want your relationship to continue the way it was earlier.

In the movies, chasing the girl and catching up often makes her swoon and fall into her ex lover's waiting arms! But, in reality, all you are likely to achieve is a restraining order which is a far cry from getting your ex-girlfriend back. Instead of chasing and pressurizing her, give her some time to work through her own feelings while you, yourself, step back a little and consider whether things, as they were between the two of you, were really all that great.

Make Some Changes To Your Lifestyle

You do not need to change into a totally new person - that would need far too much effort. However, you could certainly make some small changes to the way you look, as women really notice such changes. To start with, how about something easy that will make you look more attractive? For example get your teeth whitened to brighten up your smile.

Consider working on improving your fitness. While you may not want to go in for a full-scale gym membership, perhaps you could consider some gentle weight-lifting at home or playing some sport like tennis or basketball, in order to develop a more firm and toned look. Perhaps you could skip that second beer in the evening or maybe restrict the pizzas. Try to make these small lifestyle changes that don't require too much effort and yet have the potential to deliver big results. In any case, enhanced fitness is always a good thing, irrespective of trying to get your ex girlfriend back.

The Secret for Getting Your Ex-Girlfriend Back - You Wait for Her to Come Back to You

The social world that we move in is small. The small changes you make in your appearance, fitness and demeanour will definitely get noticed by your common friends and acquaintances and, before long, she will get to hear of this. Women are curious creatures. Not only in the way that men find them hard to understand, but also in the sense that they have a great need to know what's going on around them. When she gets to know that you are doing well and looking good without her by your side, she will be overtaken by intense and extreme curiosity. She will not only want to know, but will need to know, how come you're looking better and getting on socially with others, and seemingly doing better in your day-to-day life. In today's world, even small changes get noticed big.

She will then call you or contrive to "just bump" into you, so that she can satisfy her need to know just what it is that is making you different - so self-assured, confident and attractive. She'll be dying to know what's going on in your life and what exactly you are up to. That's when you should work your magic. Now, all that you need to know is the right thing to say to her that will convince her that it was a mistake to walk away from you - and then you will re-discover the magic of your relationship.

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Find Your Love Match - Know About the Leo Love Life - Horoscope

The most significant characteristic of Leo people is they are very controlling and dominating in nature. They are passionate but arrogant too. They can steal the show at any get-together and very artlessly they can take the leadership position. Leos are also found to be very motivated but excessive. They love to get attention from others. Leo is in fact a very masculine sign. That is why Leo women are very difficult to handle. On the whole, Leos are very unpredictable to some extent. They do whatever they like and they hardly listen to others' advice.

The people born under the Leo zodiac sign are very proud of themselves and display traits like strong will power, determination and courage. They love to be noticed, admired and appreciated and practically thrive on flattery. They always portray a 'larger-than-life' image and extremely generous by nature. Though the Lion forgot to learn the qualities of humility and modesty, he is, nonetheless, charming and good-natured. Take note, however, that they were very choosy about their partner. The key to their heart is a bit of compliment. The characteristic of a Leo man is his persistence and resolution.

They do not allow anybody to come in their way, not even their beloved. Nobody can stop them from reaching their goals and you, in return must strive to reach yours and be supportive to their dreams at the same time. Leo is considered to be the sign of the king. Some of them may allow the dominance of their wives, but only at home.

On the other hand, negative features of Leo are their bossy attitude, snob, dogmatic, intolerant, bullying and pompous. Positive features of Leo are their honesty, broad-mind, loving nature, proud, enthusiasm, creativity and magnanimous. Stubbornness is another major trait of Leo natives. It might be due to their demand for permanence in every aspect of life. While looking out for partner, they prefer the attractive, the good-looking or someone who is made-up from head to foot.

If you would like to learn and discover the Leo horoscope love life (and of other signs as well), visit my website to get your hands on my FREE report which has helped thousands of men get women they thought they never had a chance with!

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Your Horoscope Love Match

Frequently, when a girlfriend has met a new man, she'll ask me if I can take a look at his birth chart and see if they match. And the answer is always "Yes!" A horoscope love match is always present; you can always find the reason why people are attracted to each other when you compare their birth chart.

Traditionally, it's said that the best horoscope love match is between men and women born in the same element. That means that a woman born in one of the fire signs Aries, Leo or Sagittarius would match with a man born in one these signs, too, or that a woman born in one of the earth signs Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn would match with a man born in one of these signs. The water element woman of Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces would go well with a water element man and airy Gemini, Libra and Aquarius women would fit with airy men.

Sure, being born in the same element creates a certain basic understanding between the two of you, but sometimes this can create a relationship where everything feels very familiar and safe. Of course, for some couples this is the main attraction of a relationship, even a romantic one. Take Camilla and Charles, for instance. As he is a Scorpio and she a Cancer there is foundation of similarity (though Diana was also a Cancer, so only sharing the same element is not enough!). Camilla and Charles' Suns make an exact trine. As if that wasn't enough, they are both born with a Leo ascendant, almost on the same degree, which give them the same royal approach to the world - Leo is the royal sign of the zodiac. That also makes them share the same point of Midheaven, in Aries, which make them even more similar as they both are types who like to do things fast, preferably yesterday, and who find everything new exciting.

You might not be a risky type and feel better when you truly feel you understand and know your partner. But other women might find this kind of romantic relationship plain boring and settle for friendship instead.

I think it's especially interesting to watch how safe, sound, practical and down to earth female Virgos again and again choose men who are just the opposite: wild, unorganized and absent minded. It's like this man brings out her inner need for creating order out of chaos. Of course, should she succeed thaming him he'd become so boring that she'd leave him!

More important than the Sun signs for a horoscope love match is looking at the planets of the natal charts. Sexual attraction is indicated when Venus and Mars meet, whether in a conjunction (that is that Venus in the woman's chart is in the same sign and on the same degree as Mars in the man's chart, or vice versa), a trine (120 degrees between the planets), square (90 degrees between the planets) or opposition (when Mars in one person's chart is exactly opposite Venus in the other person's chart). In the chart of Charles and Camilla his Venus is trine her Mars. Likewise, aspects between Uranus and Venus, Uranus and Mars or Mars and Neptune bring romance, electric attraction and strong desire into a relationship between two people. In the charts of David and Victoria Beckham her Venus is conjunct his Mars and his Venus is conjunct her Mars. In addition, his Uranus is trine her Mars and his Venus is trine her Uranus. Talk about sexual attraction!
It's a common misbelief that the square and opposition are harsh aspects that brings unluck and disappointment. In a love relationship these aspects might actually create dynamic and sparkling attraction. Take Brad and Angelina - the Venus of Brad is square her Uranus and opposite her Venus.

In a horoscope love match one also need to look at the different houses. The 7th house is considered the house of marriage and planets here as well as the cusp of the house (the sign in which the house begins) is a good indication of what a person needs in a relationship. It's not uncommon that a woman with for instance the 7th house cusp in Leo always falls for Leos or men with Leo ascendant. For sure, the Leo qualities - grandeur, generosity and warmth will always be very important in a love relationship. Likewise, a woman with the 7th house cusp in Gemini needs to meet her partner on a mental level and have a love affair where you can talk a lot and discuss everything. Camilla and Charles' 7th houses are both starting in Aquarius, which indicates that friendship and equality is very important to both of them. David Beckham's 7th house starts on the same degree's as Victoria's Neptune - a strong indication of a marriage of passion and romance.
Will it last? Well, that's mainly up to you!

An indication of endurance and stability, and in lasting relationships there will often be aspects between Saturn of one partner and the Sun, Ascendant or Moon of the other person. Take Bill and Hillary Clinton. Her Saturn is on the same degree as his Leo Sun. Camilla's Saturn is conjunct the Ascendant of Charles. Brad's Saturn is trine Angelina's Sun and sextile her Moon, while her Saturn is opposite his Moon and trine his Ascendant.
Both Saturn and the Moon's nodes are "hands of fate" and might indicate that the couple have a relationship that goes back to former lives and that they now take onto a new level. Hillary's north node is on the same degree in the chart as Bill's Moon. David's north node as well as his Saturn are trine Victoria's Venus.

A "perfect" horoscope love match might make promises, but in the end it's up to you to keep them! You need to make the best out of your relationship - the planetary aspects are not doing the job alone.

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