Sometimes it's easy to see why an adult child would cut ties with a parent. Kids who grow up with parents who are frightening, abusive, neglectful, shaming, exploitative or undermining may need to separate fully to begin their own healing process. Before a physical wound can heal, you have to remove the object that is piercing the flesh. This is often also true for emotional wounds.
But what about when the abuse is subtle? Brenda's mother never hit her, never locked her in a room, kept her fed and clothed, paid for most of her education. And yet, every time she saw them or spoke to mom on the phone, her self-esteem would take a dive. She would have racing thoughts, mental fog, tears, thoughts of suicide - all symptoms of post traumatic stress.
Brenda's mother would come over, unannounced with a cake, a seemingly friendly gesture. But as she put the cake in the kitchen, she would scold Brenda, "This is not for you. We all know how easily you put on weight. This is for Max (Brenda's husband) and the kids." Then, when the kids were present, Brenda's mom would add, "You kids tell me if your mother eats any of this cake. You don't want a fat momma, do you?"
Brenda tried asserting herself, as she practiced in therapy. "Mom," she said, "when you comment on my weight, it hurts my feelings. What I eat is my decision, not yours. I don't want my children put in the middle, feeling like being loyal to one of us means being disloyal to the other. If you want to leave the cake, then do so without conditions. Otherwise take it home with you."
Brenda's mother became indignant. "You may be their mother, but I'm yours, and I am only trying to help you out. You were a very fat child, and it's my job to make sure you stay healthy and attractive. I don't want you to lose your husband. And your children need to have something good from their grandmother. I am not asking them to take sides. We all want to support you in keeping your weight down."
Brenda's mother could not hear her daughter's request or her pain. She had been criticizing Brenda for over forty years, and justifying that criticism by claiming it was out of love, or for Brenda's own good. Never mind that Brenda had never actually been fat. In fact, Brenda had an eating disorder in High School, and nearly had to be force fed, a fact her mother did not remember.
The criticism was not just about Brenda's weight. It extended to her parenting, her marriage, her job. Whenever her mother asked, "How are things?" It was as if she was fishing for something new to judge in Brenda. When they talked about cousins or neighbors, Brenda's mother was sure to talk about someone else's accomplishments glowingly, adding, "why can't you be more like... " reminding Brenda that she could never measure up.
One day in therapy, Brenda said more to herself than to me, my mother never really loved me. She loves having me to put down. Memories came pouring out. The time she was yelled out for crossing the street alone at age five (but who left me outside alone?). The time she broke her arm, and her mother kept ignoring her when she said it hurt. A neighbor finally noticed, and once that happened, her mother put on an act of concern and took her for an x-ray. She spent six weeks in a cast.
"It was constant," Brenda told me. "It still is. And it hurts. It hurts today, and it hurts like a comet tail of memories. But she [mom] doesn't see it. She thinks I'm too sensitive, or I'm remembering wrong. And then I begin to question my own memories. Did that really happen? I feel crazy."
Over time, Brenda saw less and less of her mother. The less time they spent together, the better Brenda felt. Her self esteem began to rise. She got a promotion she wasn't even trying for at work. Her kids even seemed happier. They went to her mom's for Thanksgiving that year, and Brenda got an earful in front of all the guests. Mom had been saving all her anger over Brenda's new boundaries, and she let it fly. "My daughter is too good for me now," she started, "with her new promotion and her fancy car" (Brenda had bought herself a slightly used Honda Element to take the kids to their games and practices).
Maybe because Brenda had already been setting better boundaries, she felt empowered. She took her mother into the kitchen and calmly said, "If you would like us to stay for dinner, you will find a different topic of conversation. You will refrain from complaining about me or comparing me to others. If you can't abide by my wishes we will leave."
Brenda's mother walked back into the dining room and began her tirade anew. "You won't believe how my daughter just spoke to me!" she began. Brenda didn't hear the rest. Her husband had already gathered their coats, and she and her family left. She blocked her mother from her phone and email. She let the rest of the family know that she didn't expect them to take sides. She just didn't want to hear or talk about her relationship with her mother. She was done. She lost contact with an aunt and two cousins, but everyone else understood.
Within a few months of cutting ties with her mother, Brenda's sessions changed dramatically. Instead of working on developing more assertiveness and stronger boundaries, we were celebrating her successes - both emotional and practical. She successfully stood up to a teacher who was shaming one of her kids. The teacher apologized and admitted that she was in over her head. Brenda continued doing well at work. Her relationship with her husband improved too. She hadn't realized how much time and energy she had been sacrificing, trying to live up to her mother's impossible standards. Her kids reported that she seemed happier and more fun to be around.
When we ended therapy, Brenda said, "I think there will always be a part of me that is sad. But it's not that I lost my mother. It's that I never had her to begin with. At least now I don't walk on eggshells. I sleep well every night. She's not the topic of every conversation."
Sometimes parents are toxic. I always try to coach my clients toward setting clear and kind boundaries with people who are difficult - family or not. But when someone refuses to listen and respect your needs, you have every right (maybe even a responsibility) to protect yourself from the negativity, even if that means saying goodbye.
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